Weight and waffle machines

No matter how hard I try, I can’t stop metaphorically picking scabs – reading old letters, looking at photos, thinking about how I might’ve limited things by choosing one course over another.

No choice is ever clean and I am an idealist, so I feel burned by everything. Life is a cold day when the very breath I take burns my chest as it’s inhaled, lung-heavy. Melodrama, I know, but this is my curse: I can’t stop looking back.

The moment is forever elusive. When today passes, I will long for it, though I can’t for the life of me feel good where I stand, this minute.

And even though experience continues to persistently chip away at my edges, I still remain stubbornly angular. I am not soft, and that makes my life more difficult than it has to be quite often.

Self-abusively is not a word.

OK, per last post, self-abusively is not a word, but I liked it too much to use another and so I let it go and now, when I look back, I feel shame. What is that about?

I am in the office and debating next steps tonight. I need to grocery shop and install my AC unit, but errands hardly sound useful at the end of a 12-hour work day. I am staring down the barrel of a hellacious week at the office, all in prep for a vacation next week...

River rafting in Colorado! Private tour guide (friend of a friend), 3-day course, camping on the river bank, no FUCKING (pardon me) blackberry, best friend and boy toy (I kid) in tow--group of 16 total. This is the stuff that dreams are made of...

You better expect photos. Unfortunately, despite my premature commitment on this blog a few months back (come to think of it, premature commitment seems to be a general theme for me...), I haven't shelled out for the fancy camera yet, so these will just be those regular-type vacation shots. I'll let you know if I get anything good.

What else? I miss my family. I really, really miss my family. Like, forgetting who I am miss. I love NYC and my job and my life here, but damn if I don't feel afloat for the better part of my days. I need an anchor. The last one I found wasn't strong enough to tie me down. I need to remind myself how to be my own anchor. I used to do that so well.

What is happening out there? I feel out of touch. Way out of touch.